dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
