just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
