We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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