He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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