i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
