saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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