You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
