HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
