and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
