I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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