Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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