just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
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We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
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I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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