she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
