happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
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