My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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