i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
