Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
