I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
