Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
