Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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