You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
