we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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