Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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