i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
