I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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