I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
