Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
