I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
