I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
