he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
is it fun? or sober?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
