I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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