So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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