Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
