Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
