Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
