Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
