i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
3 2 1 whiskey
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
