I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
