I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
