party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
