Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
