dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
