Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
