LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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