he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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