Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
