He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
