Apparently you make a good broom.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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