yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
No...this little piggys going to the bar
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
