I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
