As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
