i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
