I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
