I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
