i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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