just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
