I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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