well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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