When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
